Something about the title of this blog post makes me feel so free and uninhibited. Understanding my place is this world has given me perspective that we all live totally different lives simultaneously. We all have totally different wants, needs, values and appreciations and that’s a beautiful thing. Where beauty turns into despair is when you try to be something your not. Nothing lacking authenticity will ever last.
I’ve come to learn that when you fully love and accept yourself, you won’t care too much about who doesn’t. The need for approval is something I struggled with so much in my younger years. I used to have a very naive view of the world and assumed if I were a good person, people would in turn be good to me. I guess in theory that sounds great, but it certainly didn’t play out that way. I had to learn some painful lessons which made me reevaluate everything.
To be for everyone essentially means you are adapting yourself for the benefit of those around you before yourself and I wholeheartedly reject that notion. I value the quality in the relationships close to me over quantity so I’m a firm believer that the people who are meant to be in your life will find their way to you and the ones you aren’t supposed to be there will struggle to remain. Life can and will show us a lot but we have to pay attention. Sometimes this can include recognizing when a relationship, friendship or job has run its course and being courageous enough to leave and seek better. Its one thing to have boundaries but another thing entirely to enforce them. I know more than anyone that this is easier said than done, but I also know that it can be achieved if you want it bad enough.
I have always been in long-term relationships since I started dating honestly but my last relationship took me through the ringer and I left not with sadness or remorse but with anger and a hint of resentment. I was angry at myself for many things but the hardest to accept was the wasted time and the fact that things got so bad the only thing I desired was peace. I left with a firm grasp on what I will never tolerate and put up with again. I knew long before it actually ended that it wouldn’t last, but love will blind you and manipulation is a part of the game when dealing with a narcissist, my first and last. As painful as it was in the moment, hind sight is a MF and I can clearly see how that relationship was not meant for a lifetime of fulfillment but for my growth because I was meant for something much bigger than my circumstances.
This moment in time was a pivotal point in my healing journey because I had to look within myself, critique my part in the deterioration of the relationship and make real changes so that I never went through that again. I destroyed everything within myself I didn’t like and built myself back up, piece by piece. Anyone who’s done this knows the difficulty, isolation and range of emotions you go through. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was the beginning of my shadow work and spiritual journey, diving head first into discovering the root in why I felt the need for approval, why I felt compelled to stay in something I knew wasn’t serving me in the way I needed and why I had difficulty leaving. Its something about starting from rock bottom that breeds a special appreciation for the process once you make it out. I preach so much about protecting my peace, this is why.
I am confident in knowing that everything that has happened in my life is all apart of the bigger plan of growing into the person I am meant to be. I’ve accepted and even embraced that everyone can’t go where I’m going. Everyone you meet is not meant to travel through life with you and that’s nothing to be upset about. You don’t know what the universe could be saving you from. Trust the journey, become comfortable with the unknown and keep yourself first always.